Life is not easy

Back to singapore and the normal life!

2006-06-21T13:17:00.000+08:00

Well after a 25 days mission trip, finally back to singapore!
I feel like there is more i can do in japan as i really feel i did not contribute much in my trip in japan. Till now i still not too sure why God had allowed me to go over to japan. What are the lessons that he wants me to go thru? How did he actually used me to bless the campus in Chukyo! i really not sure.

Still seeking the Lord on to see if it is his calling for me to go back again next year!! I guess my objective of learning to be fun in ministry had been sort of achieve. From what Joyce (the staff in charge of chukyo campus) always tell us when we go for street Evangelism, "JUST GO AND HAVE FUN TALKING TO THE JAPANESE!"

well i didn't know that just talking to people can be so much fun. witnessing with her seems to be more joy then stress. And i guess the key in having joy in service is really to look at how much God had bless you instead of looking at the stuff that God had not bless you with!

well i guess there is much more lessons to learn after the mission trip!! i'm quite looking forward what God had install for me ahead of my life.

Love you Jesus,
Miss you japanese friends!! (Esp shuubo and Eri)

what's next?

2006-05-09T01:15:00.000+08:00

It had been a long time i had blog...
life is kinda getting back to normal, preparing for my mission trip.
Love my team, they are so fun loving and so nice poeple.
Although we just met for 2 sessions since exams ended, but it seem like we are starting to gel as a team, talking and joking.... yesterday at sandra's place we have japanese curry and it's cooked my one of our tripper, Sister SANDRA!! So blessed!!

Another thanksgiving will be my support raising!! i've raise more the enuf for the trip!! so far my status is at $3800 but i only need to raise $3000. Praise God for his abundance grace and mercy!! For giving me so much excess on my financial support!! Next i'll need to raise more prayer support!!

ya recently i'm starting to feel the stress as my exams results will be out soon!!
like on my 1st day in japan, My results is out!! dunno how will i fare in the paper, hope i wun see something like what i see last sem!! On top of that i had to decide on my FYP project before 20th. but i'm still very blur on what i want to specialise and what my future will be!! well trust in the Lord tt might be the lesson that God always want to teach me!

NEXT stop NaGoYa JAPAN!!

2006-04-29T21:53:00.000+08:00

hahah finally i finished my exams!!
time to prep myself for my trip.
To work hard for support and to really pray to God abt many things!!
1st stop, to raise my support for mission trip
i'm now at 1/3 raised still have another $2K more to go!! but i know God will provide!! So i'll see how God will help me loh!!

tt's all for now!! will update more on mission trip REAL soon!
nite nite!!

A break from Stress

2006-04-22T22:04:00.000+08:00

hahha taking a break from studies for tonight.

After 3 papers in 2 days!! Tough!!
Had a nice day in church. as usual Din pay much attention to sermon or worship!!
Was told by fel tt i need to be mary and not martha!!
I know tt lah!! so many times already, God trying to tell me tt!!
Shall work on worhsipping him is spirit n in truth 1st!!

i saw miss K yeasterday!! After my 1st paper on friday, i thought i might meet her along the way out of the exam hall. Initially, i tot i caught a glimsp of her(actually is her bag), she was inside a life, doors closing.

i took the stairs. On my way down actaully i was keeping a lookout for her. But i tell meself, if it's fated then we will somehow meet again!! Then later at the canteen i really see her! She gave me a smile, which means she is ok, or maybe she just try to be polite (as i know she would). I got her a drink as she "da pao" back to her hall to eat wif, ya tt guy which hangs out with her!!

This time i really want to care for her, as a sister!! I wasn't affected by any reaction she might have!! or what will she think about my action!! After my lunch, i had some spare time, i took out the bible and read a short passage as i'm trying to read thru the bible! started off from Joshua since march. Now i'm at 1st samuel!

The part where hanna is praying to God for a child as she was "suan" (aka irritate) by the other wife that Elkanah had. When Eli the priest mistook her for being drunk, she replied: (1 sam 1:15-16)

"I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."

then Eli replied:(v17)
"Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him."

This verse is like talking to me!!
i had been griefing for too long, my prayers seems to be filled with anguish, abt myself, the stuff i did, for myself even rushing the process of wanting to advance into relationship but not building on firendship. i'm filled with grief not able to let it go!! i kept asking God, "so how when will it end?" (read my previous post for evidence)

Well i guess God answered what i had been asking for a long time!!
GO IN PEACE!! haha Peace is what i need!!
Finally i think i had let go of a major amount of this issue, i dunno when the next wave of emotion will come (hope it wun come at all) Pray tt God will just bring the girl, the helper in my life journey with god, in his own time!!

Waiting is all i can do!!HAHAHA
Time to start revision!! Thanks for reading such a LOONNNNGGG post!!
Hahaha...

Double Blow again

2006-04-17T18:58:00.000+08:00

haiz... God, God, God!!
i think you are trying to let me know tt i need to work hard is it??
Had an ultra bad presentation just now!!

Felt like SHIT again!! Lost confidence again in studies again!
Maybe coming to nus IS an error all in all!!
Maybe the leasson that God trying to drive home is to teach me to handle my emotions!! i really dunno, once again emotion made me feel like puking.

The dissapointment in life seems greater then the joy!!
i dunno how will i score for this module!!!
Everyone puts in effort but yet in the end i think everyone is dissappointed on how it just turned out!! Haiz...

i dunno all over again!!
i'm lost all over again!!
Have i been depending too much on my results, but who is not affected by how their results turned out!! i just felt lost and loose moral all over again.
Exams are on in 3 days!! do i have time to complain... I guess not!!!

God, God have you forsaken me? Samson in the bible faces trouble like cheated by the philistine of his wife, and he killed a lot of philistine as a result. How can all tt i read be related to my life today?

Heartache, headache, lost all confidence!!
God is it time to surrender all!!

Opps i did it again!!

2006-04-16T17:23:00.000+08:00

Haiz... why am i such a stubborn cow!!
I send an email to miss k telling her things like "ok thanks for blocking me on msn, and not replying my sms!" and things like "i guess the next time we meet might be in heaven!, Goodbye! i'll try to dissapear from you life!!"

haiz i sort of regret it now!! but what to do it's a sent mail, i can't take it back!! Well, i dunno every now and then when i'm alone i will think why in the world i sent that mail!! it looks like i just racked the friendship and not i had made it that clear that we can't even be friends anymore!

God can you just let this event get done and over with??
What is it that you want to squeeze me out in this ordeal!!
Exams are just ard the corner!! i need to conc on revision, but yet i'm so SO SO affected by this. Am i suppose to get more C and D in my grade and not able to get that "blessings" that you want to grant me??

What in the world am i here for??
Why no one seems to like me??
How come i always feel like i'm a burden to others!!
Why am i always the person to cause hurt to other!
When will all these end?
God.... DO I SOUND LIKE I'M COMPLAINING TO YOU???
but i just need the JOY, the BLESSINGS and that ABUNDANT life that you PROMISED to give me!!

i can't feel it now, i just feel sucky, feel lonely, feel like crap!!
I'm tired and really at wit's end!
.....................................................................................
.....................................................................................
Can it end now?

The last day of school

2006-04-14T19:35:00.000+08:00

07.00am: Wake up

07.30am: Travel to school

09.00am: Reach school trying to get the video for presentation and service rite!

10.00am: Lecture start!! Complained that lecture is late!!

11.00am: Lecture ends, although it shd ends at 12am.
Saw miss K and beside her is another guy (known as her better guy firends)
Dunno why but i felt affected by her again!!
Saw her in the carpark in nus taking picture with a mini cooper(her dream car)

12.00pm: Final lecture of the sem starts (Financial accounting)

13.00pm: Break time for lecture, within the hour kept looking over at her direction.
Fighting hard to maintain focus on the lecture instead of her!

14.00pm: Lecture finally ended, i guess wun be seeing her again till maybe next sem!
Still affected by her. But lesser

14.30pm: Went to look for a free tutorial room as we are doing presentation practice
Slack ard with my laptop.

17.00pm: Start presentation pratice
18.30pm: Finanacial Accounting make up Tutorial starts
Managed to grab the potato salad from Biz canteen, YUM!!

20.30pm: Tutorial ended, my final lesson in business, kinda sad but what to do.
Making my way home from school

22.00pm: Reach tampines mrt not yet home.

22.30pm: Start to review the video to make it better.
Planning for worship 2mr morn!!
At this point, i'm still affected by Miss K!!
Talked to a few ppl on msn abt this feeling as i dun like to keep it in
Dunno why i feel super duper down. No mood for other things.

01.45am: Went to bed!! Last day of school for this sem ended

AARRGGGHHH

2006-04-10T23:21:00.000+08:00

Sometimes just wish that i can scream out LOUD!!!
Am i stressed??

A few sisters in my says i am!!
During chior pratice i do funny things, being affect by a lot of things in my life!!
haiz... got my control test, another failure 6.5/20!! but i'm just slightly affected by it, coz i know i really deserve tt mark. A lot of questions i dunno how to do!!

I'm a child of God that is always affected by results!! I always compare things. Kimmy once tell me before not to compare things. YA i know tt is one of the worst habit that i ever had!! Only God can take that away!!

Maybe i shd make it as a mission trip objective, learn to compare less. And to really see God's wonderful ways and method in bringing someone to Christ. Very often i envy those ppl how help someone to come to Christ!! Envy abt how other ppl can score better in exams with little effort. Envy this envy that.. Haiz sad but true!!

Many many little problems in my life still need God to polish!!
But 1 thing i see improving, is my heart of materialism. Recently i really din see money as a major issue and affecting my life!! hahaha these days problems on relationship will bug my heart!!

ok i think need to get back to revision for Exams!!
Jai you RJ!!, Dun SLACK!!

Friend of God

2006-04-10T23:20:00.000+08:00

Who am i that u are mindful of me.

That u hear me

When i call

Is it true that u r thinking of me

How u love me

It 's amazing

God Almighty

Lord of Glory

U have called me friend

I am a friend of God

I am a friend of God

U call me friend

Long due blogging

2006-04-07T01:06:00.000+08:00

Had not been blogging for a long time!
for all those who had been faithfully checking, thanks and sorry coz recently really really busy!!

Life is busy but there are a few incident worth to memtion.

The 1st incident happen yesterday.
i forwarded a sms to eliz, it was something on not working so hard and being anxious abt living and eating. well she felt offended by the message!! i intended to encourage her but it turned out to discourage her!! haiz.. then i felt sad for the whole evening!! and thinking i shd really use the Word of God in proper manner, cater to each person need, send them meaningful verse that God can use to bless them!

2nd was today!
finally submitted my 3001 report!! but there is also a presentation to get busy with!! somehow today i'm very affected by miss K again!!! haha i had not totally let go! well need to pray more (which i didn't pray much these few days!) it seems like when i'm not close to God things like tt will happen!! i need God but yet i dun seek God!! Funny but then God knows la, he even gave a verse in the bible

v15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
v16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.
v17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.
Romans 7: 15-18

haiz life goes on!!

Daily Guild to Happiness

2006-04-07T01:05:00.000+08:00

Daily Guild to Happiness

PRAY: It is the greatest power on earth

LOVE: It is God-given privilege

READ: It is the foundation of wisdom

THINK: It is the source of power

FRIENDLY: It is the road to happiness

GIVE: It is too short a day to be selfish

PLAY: It is the secret of perpetual youth

LAUGH: It is the music of the soul

WORK: It is the price of success

SAVE: It is the secret of security

Source: from a friend from mulitply

haha long time din blog le

2006-03-30T11:17:00.000+08:00

well time is busy these 2 weeks! Have a project presentation dis week. quite an informal presentation to my supervisor on my 3001 project. Thank God that the lecturer is a kind person and din really comment much of our presentation being informal.

Well life goes on and exams are creeping nearer and nearer!! afaird i will flung the exams, like what happen to my fna test. i dunno how well can i perform but well it's always the stress there to perform..

i know i shd be putting focus on getting my facts right and leving the results to God! hahaha.. well i'm just a person VERY affected by results!

Will love to have some personal time off, to do shop window shopping and do something useful that will enrich my life! photoshop, graphic design, photography and song composition are some of the things tt i hope to explore into!

Undivided heart (Is what RJ needs)

2006-03-23T09:44:00.000+08:00

Undivided Heart

Verse 1
If I'm to be whom You desire
All throughout my life
A vessel unto honor Lord to Thee

And before Your throne
To hear You say
That I have done my part
Lord, I need an undivided heart

Chorus
That I might know You
That I might serve You
That I might worship You as King
To see the Morning Star
To know how great You are

Verse 2
Lord, I need an undivided heart
If I'm to live in truth and love
To glorify Your name
If for a living sacrifice to be

And to share the joy
The grace and peace
Your Spirit does impart
Lord, I need an undivided heart

Ultimate Sianess

2006-03-22T23:16:00.000+08:00

Suddenly i really dunno how to study anymore!!
Got 15/30 for my accounting paper!!

I out in so much effort to study for it!! Yet the results is like such..
The average standard is 22 points. WA LAO i feel like am i stupid or what??
Come to nus to study and all i get is just trash results!!

Maybe it's a wake up call for me ba!!
Time to work harder, more then what i put in then before...
I shall not blame God coz i know He has his devine purpose for tt to happen!!

But can't help feeling sianz....

Help me God!!! All i can ask of you!!

I like to move it move it!!

2006-03-20T11:03:00.000+08:00

And indeed I had moved on!! Time to carry on in life, plenty of stuff to get busy with:

1st: My engineering project (ee3001 and Eg1415) FYI these are module codes!
2nd: Upcoming test (on 2 sats, 1/04 and 8/04)
3rd: My personal project (will be reading up the book of Eph in more detail)
4th: Mission trip (Will be starting to raise funds for the trip, need $3K)
5th: Worship planning for good friday!

These are the stuff tt will keep me busy for a very gd while!!
pray that I can be able to fulfill my position as a christian and also as a student!!

Timing will be tight but it seems like it's time to plug in to the power source(aka God) and depend on that to fuel me thru..

As for Miss K, after I had made painful decisions to delete her contacts from my hp and msn.. Things gotten better, much better I guess!!

something struck me during sermon yesterday, the feeling that I had all along, of not willing to let go and feeling sore is actually a SIN!!
It's like I'm constantly indulging in the sin and not able to get myself out. The fact that I know it's not gd to be keep dwelling on it but yet I just did that is a sin of not able to surrender to God! And being in the position of Sin and temptations!

Thank God for letting me know of that truth!!
Glory belongs to the Lord!!

Busy Dayz

2006-03-15T01:02:00.000+08:00

had been quite some time that i din blog!!

having 2 test this week! God will be my strength to carry me thru!!

for the past 2 nights, i had been greatly blessed by 2 person!
First to Eric (gd frd of Eliz) and of Coz my "Da Jie" in Christ ELIZ!!!!

Eric encourages me to how to focus on studies and to find time to do more things within the same 24 hrs!! He create this method of MAXimum focus by the parables of the 3 servents that are given talents!

Eric:" the guy with 3 talents will think of how to get 3 more talents and of cos the guy with the 5 talents will thinkn of how to get the 5 talents. if he uses the same method as the 3 talent guy.. with 5 talents, he might get only 3 talents or worse.. no talents.

So God give each and every single one of us 24 talents a day out of whcih 8 talents are spent on resting so how are you going to spend the rest of your 16 talents? complaining abt how you only have 16 talents.. and you have no more talents liaoz?"

This statement that he make struck me. he then advice me to do small stuff
Eric: "Set yourself for success, else failure is always within reach.. and you'll give up easily."

To just read the bible in small steps, 5 mins a day, but full concentration, even for studies is also this way!!

As for Da jie Eliz, she just gave me encouragement and assurance that my walk with the Lord is not alone! It started with this.

Eliz:" everytime you feel lousy again, you pray, God..help me focus on you instead... You, the most beautiful being in the entire universe, who died for me... becos u see me as a priceless treasure... you wanted me so badly u threw your life away... "

Rj:"i know just tt ...."

Eliz:"Don't gimme "i know i know, but just that this, just that..." i don need to know your "just that"... remove your "just that" and "if", the roadblocks."

she then further encourage me:" His light will S H I N E into you, and overflood you with so much that you cannot help it but S H I N E OUTWARDLY TO THE NATIONS!!"

I really thank God for sending these 2 angels in my life and the method i got to know both of them!! simply fab and unbelievable..

btw the davinci code mag distribution is quite smooth for yesterday and today!

to end this off, add in my mission trip team photo,
Support will start now!! need to raise $3,000 for the trip!! So if god burdened your heart, support me in this trip!!

Tired + busy...

2006-03-09T00:27:00.000+08:00

Tired + busy + not sure what is on during Lt = LOST!!
Just being tired these day, trying hard not to supress feelings!
Tired so i think the only cure - - - -> REST!!

even typing this i feel downsy!

It's thursday again!!

2006-03-02T10:10:00.000+08:00

ok it's thursday again!!
sometime i really hate thursday to arrive, on thursday i'll see miss k ard in lectures for at least 4 hrs. we have 2 common lessons and each last 2 hours!

erm... i find it hard to concentrate whenever she is ard me! i'll just keep turning my head toward where she is sitting!! hahaha am i still affected by her?? i dunno!

Well things are hard... just need to let this feeling reside!!
In the end i think another 3-4 months more!! i think i'll start to forget her. But just hope as time goes by, we will reconcile!

ok lecture, i'm blogging in the midst of a lecture!
haha ok i'm bad!! ok i shall concentrate!

4 hr and a lab report

2006-03-01T23:05:00.000+08:00

i spend 4 hours but still i cannot finsh part 1 of the lab report!!

haiz...
life is ok recently, a small esp happen yesterday, read yesterday blog to find out what happen.

The thing is that i felt affected but not emotional!!
i find just sad that we can be friends and why does things have to happen like that?

i saw miss k today at the crusade LM! We didn't talk. Although we appear to look ok on the outside but yet we are not tt much ok!

this time i dunno is it her not wanting to talk to me or is it i'm too rush to restore the friendship. But i think i shall stop doing anything for now ba!!
Since i have surrender tt to God let him handle it. i'll just take the back seat for now!! going to be a long and harsh month ahead!!

Please pray for me as HELL MONTH is coming!!
march will not be simple a lot of things to do, i guess i wun blog that often but will update it maybe once a week!! i hate HELL MONTH!! but tt's studies!! well pray that God will empower me!!

Footprints

2006-03-01T00:42:00.000+08:00

School and me and myself

2006-03-01T00:26:00.000+08:00

Haiz saw this from eliz multiply blog page!!
i also have this song..
i find the lyrics very true:

天亮当朋友~芮恩

Chrous
谁都没错
日子还是要过
无话可说
只是感觉真的都淡了
谁都没错
不一定有线索跟理由
到了这个时候
谁先不难过
谁先开口

芮恩同名专辑, 词:方文山,曲:林迈可

i was trying to msn to miss k! type a whole chunk not a single reply!
Man i felt boycott by her!! If she is busy just tell me.
In the end she went offline, without saying bye!
How come the friendship turn SO SOUR??
Rite now i just want to be normal friends with her!!
But once again, no reply,

Sms = no reply
MSN = no reply

Dunno why and what happen!
God i really have to surrender this to you!!
Maybe i shd stop trying to reconcile this friendship, it seems the more i try, the more she is turned off!!

well 日子还是要过 !!
when she don't reply 不一定有线索跟理由
slowly 感觉真的都淡了
but 谁都没错 but she 无话可说 to me
到了这个时候 will she 开口??

haiz.. not really emotional, more sad and disappointed!!
Why do we have to turn out this way??
haiz.... only God with time will help both of us!!

NAH GOD this mess, i really dunno what to do, can you tell me?

No title

2006-02-23T12:25:00.001+08:00

recently was reading a friend's blog n then i came across this igod thingy.
Very crappy but kinda fun and stress reliever, just dun take everything that it says, coz it's not God! Click here

I think i posted this before on the blog page i did for miss K
Finding it more then meaningful now!! sharing it with my faithful bloggers..

Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second
or Two

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you..

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

5. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

6. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

7. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

8. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

9. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

10. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

11. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you! least expect them to.

12. REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL!!

My Conculsion to all this:
TO LOVE IS TO RESPECT NOT TO EXPECT!!

Just for Fun

2006-02-21T16:33:00.000+08:00

This from a webpage call the johari window.
It sort of state how people see me as!! Quite fun thou!!
for the more recent results go to: http://kevan.org/johari?view=angrj

Dominant Traits

64% of people agree that angrj is friendly
57% of people agree that angrj is helpful

All Percentages

able (14%) accepting (7%) adaptable (14%) bold (7%) brave (0%) calm (0%) caring (42%) cheerful (14%) clever (0%) complex (0%) confident (7%) dependable (42%) dignified (0%) energetic (0%) extroverted (7%) friendly (64%) giving (35%) happy (7%) helpful (57%) idealistic (0%) independent (7%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (7%) introverted (21%) kind (7%) knowledgeable (7%) logical (7%) loving (7%) mature (0%) modest (0%) nervous (0%) observant (0%) organised (14%) patient (14%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (0%) reflective (7%) relaxed (0%) religious (21%) responsive (14%) searching (0%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (7%) sensible (0%) sentimental (14%) shy (0%) silly (14%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (0%) tense (0%) trustworthy (14%) warm (35%) wise (0%) witty (0%)

After the Retreat

2006-02-20T22:59:00.000+08:00

The impact seems immediate!
The sudden drop in feeling. From intense happiness and joy to back to the reality of the world. From fun and just time spend alone with God to more time divided into studies and some not really that important stuff!

Hiaz... how i wish we can be in such settings almost everyday! But ya this is life!! Not much choice thou!! Suddenly, i fell in love with the sea. when the wind just blow upon your face and you are reading God's words with minimum distraction! You tends to absorb more!

Today i was reading an article abt findig rest!
It talk abt coming back to God to rest in the presence of God. How God wish that you just run back to him and just be there alone, quiet and not doing anything. Just enjoy his presence beside you!! You dun have to speak, dun have to complain, dun have to do anything except be still!! Being still is just not asking God for anything but just to enjoy His presence!

To end the article, he used an illustion of an old women who starts to loose her memory. During the time when she was young, she memorised this verse!!

2 Tim 1:12 "For i know whom i have believe, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which i have committed unto him against that day"

The women is old to an extend that she cannot remember the names of people close to her heart! But she remember that Verse. But finally even that broke down, she can only remember the word "HIM"

Real peace and rest is all about HiM!!!
i guess i'm too tired, almost doze off, i shall not continue, and Go to sleep!!
hahah PTL!!

19/2 the day!!

2006-02-20T22:57:00.000+08:00

Today is a Fab day!!
God had been faithful and i had a wonderful time worshipping him.
The message that he gave me these days is on the topic of love!
How do you love a person, how are you suppose to love a person
(i'm not talking abt BGR only)

today started in church i was planning worship for english worship!
Just imagine plannning english worship during the time that chinese Worship
is going on!! it was quite last min but i was remined of the song "Amazing grace"
this is largely due to the song "You already" written by Eliz. the last line was
actually from the last line from Amazing grace!

After i lead the English worship, i recieved a sms, the English congration pastor
Pastor Paul told me, we was deeply encouraged by the worship that i lead!
All grace and Glory given to the Lord Almighty!! It really shows that it's not about
how much time you spend in planning the worship but it's really How God wants to use
you to glorify Him and magnify him!

In the afternoon, went over to Bedesta Katong to help out ZP(my mission trip mate) in
teaching people how to play in a band! i din teach at all, all i did was to lead a mini
worship session. It was a fun time, we screwed up 1 song but overall it was ok!
Learn about some guitar music theory from him also. hope i have time to practice or even
teach others abt what i had learn!!

In the evening, went to the spiritual mulitplier retreat!! I think i had not laugh that much
for such a long time. Initially i din want to come as i afaird that i might not be able
to finish my work, and also abt ya miss K coz she'll be there also.

But i feel great that i really enjoyed myself. we really talked normally.
Like any other bro and sis would. the awarkness seems to be gone! Well Thank God for healing me
at times i will still feel that i might still like her. But i remember what ZP tell me during
the lunch session on sat. He told me, "If you are looking for a partner, she must have the same direction
in life as you. if you calling is to earn money for missionary, then she must also have that mindset too
If you are called to fulltime then she should also have that same vision! so that She can support you
when you feel dry, when you feel tired and weary from ministry!"

It hit me there!! it also seems to set a certain benchmark on this issue of relationship.
i thank God for the people i talk to these days, all so encouraging to me!!!
PTL, i guess 2mr will be a more exciting day for me!!

As i seek his face for more abt how i shd live my life for him!!
Thank You Jesus for loving me!!

God is Amazing

2006-02-18T13:24:00.000+08:00

this might sound like another funni event in my life!!
God is so amazing, so much more amazing!!

You know recently i had been down, keep blogging about how i feel, how sad how lonely.

Then one fine day, i recieve a private message from my blog page in multiply. She just comment on a picture from my mission trip to thailand. Then she told me that she wish to find out more. i dunno why i just gave her my msn address. After a few day, she added me to her msn. That person is Elizabeth, the angel that God send to me!!

Initially we didn't talk too much on msn also coz she is busy, i'm busy. But yesterday something happen. we had a long conversation. She sort of encourages me a lot. Then when i ask her how come she write comments on my blog, she can't even remember why is she so free to comment my photos, she also can't remember why she add me ot her msn.
But after the chat yesterday, both of us agreed that it's for God's purpose! God specailly arranged both of us to get to know one another in such a manner, He send an angel to console me, to pull me back to God.

Both of us are worship leaders and both of us love to use singing to glorify him!
I thank God for always always pulling me back into his presence. there are times i feel lonely but i know God Loves me and He'll be there for me!

All i need to do is to run back to Him. Easy as it sounds, hard as it can be applied. She also encouraged me to start small.(which i already know just tt i didn't internalised it)

She gave me a song which she composed. i find it meaningful so i think i'll share it wif my regular readers!!
Lyrics and the song is on this page!!
http://livewire.lnfmusic.net/archives/000168music.html

Thanks Eliz... May God continue to use your voice to glorify him, continue to use your heart for him to teach and edify people around you!

Dear God tell me how can i let go??

2006-02-16T11:51:00.000+08:00

Emotion ratings (on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being most emotional): 9

Ok a moment ago it was 7! It just esculate when i saw Miss K!!
Sitting beside that same guy(again), i just feel so... AAARRRGGGHHH..
i know i shd give up, i know i shd not be jealous, i prayed abt it.
But when she saw her!!! I just... AARRGGGHHHHH....

Maybe escape is the best form to heal for now!!
Maybe i shd just stop looking at her, stop msn her, totally isolate myself from her.
That way i might be able to recover!!

i just feel everyone is just so busy! who will just take time to just listen to a guy whine abt how he felt about a girl?? my stupid feelings...

well i've lost another battle with the mind against the devil!!

why is it so hard?? i had to resort to pinching myself to feel the pain so that i might just feel better for a moment!! What's my mind thinking!!
Surrender to God, submit to God.... even bring busy doesn't help the fact abt me thinking of her!!. how am i suppose to let Go??

HOW??
How..
how......

Average life!!

2006-02-16T10:00:00.000+08:00

haha things are getting a little better these days, other then being busy!!

Emotion ratings (on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being most emotional): 7
Still on the LONG journey to recover from Miss K! But i feel it's better. It came to the point that i've been consolating myself that if she is not for me, then i God should be arranging someone better then Miss K!!

But then i shd not expect things from God. The worst mistake i had was to expect!
To love someone is not to expect things from the other party!! Well to a certain extend i feel that i had rush a lot of things!! But ya in the end just getting myself hurt, emotional.. etc!!! well i shall have to learn to LET GO.

still reading an article on hearing the voice of God!
Shall blog about it when i'm done as the article is 25 pages long!!
LEcture start le..

It's a long long journey

2006-02-13T00:15:00.000+08:00

J O U R N E Y
Written by Corrinne May Ying Foo
Copyright 1999, Corrmay Gourmet Music (ASCAP)

It's a long, long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long, long journey
and I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long, long journey
Till I find my way home to you

Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong
I know I will falter I know I will cry
I know you'll be standing by my side
It's a long, long journey
And I need to be close to you

Sometimes it seems no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through?

'Cause it's a long, long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on calvary
Beneath those stormy skies
When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
It's a long, long journey
Till I find my way home to you

Thank you Corrinne May for writing such a beautiful song!!
Went to the Corrinne may concert!! i really REALLY feel it's worth the money, the music is good, the accompany is even better (PS miss k was there too, sitting 2 seats away)

Thank God for blessing me, i just feel that this song is too too nice and it really capture my actual feelings rite now!! Feelings that i feel when me and miss k tell me to break up, even during the sem all the fustrations i had with myself for destorying the friendship that was build up, just because i was rash...

Now i really hope that slowly but surely the friendship will be built up again!! The friendship that i had destroyed myself, Together with God, we'll going to build this up again.

for the first time after tt day she reject me, i feel like we are back to normal talking terms!! Well i guess trust need to be earned and this time, i've learn the lesson. God is the boss, he'll be in-charge.

Come think of it, i remember that i asked God to help me surrender this yearning to go ard looking the girl in my life. i ask him to let me surrender this yearning into His hand and help be abide to His plan.

I thank God in his plans, currently i'm avail and until God approve, i shall take the back seat and focus on expanding on his kingdom and focus on serving him with the talents that he gave me!!

The Choice is yours to make

2006-02-11T20:55:00.000+08:00

Joshua 24:15
"But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."

1 Kings 18:21
"Elijah went before the people and said, "How long will you waver between two opinions? If the LORD is God, follow him; but if Baal is God, follow him."
But the people said nothing."

To a certain extend i feel this 2 verses had a lot of meaning to me during my cell group time!! To serve the Lord or to serve your own pleasures and other stuff in life!

Many times we know that there is this direct link to God that when we pray to God the power of the Lord will just pour down on us. But we are just not praying that, we are not asking God to help us to live this life! we want control, we wanted things according to our own ways! Then when we mess things up, we just feel like giving up and dispair!! Why did the option of asking God for strength is often forgotten!

Well i feel i'm like the ppl in the later verse and God is like asking em this question: "How long will you waver between two opinions? If the LORD is God, follow him; but if Baal [the other stuff in life] is God, follow him."

Maybe this is the reason that i feel tired in serving, i had been too tired and not depending on his power to serve HIS ministry, it's not mine to begin wif!!

If you read on the chapter, Elijah not only tell the people who is God, he SHOWED them who is God!

18:36-38
At the time of sacrifice, the prophet Elijah stepped forward and prayed: "O LORD, God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, let it be known today that you are God in Israel and that I am your servant and have done all these things at your command.

Answer me, O LORD, answer me, so these people will know that YOU, O LORD, are GOD, and that you are turning their hearts back again."

Then the FIRE of the LORD FELL and burned up the sacrifice, the wood, the stones and the soil, and also licked up the water in the trench.

To pray to God, to confess that i'm wrong. To tell him that that i'm already at wits end, i dunno how to solve the problem that i created wif miss k which turns our friendship sour, my yearning to find another person in my life to love, my studies, the crusade ministry, the church youth music ministry!

May the Lord once again send your fire to revive me, let me once again be fill with your presence and let me have that passion, that burning fire to GLORIFY your name!!

To turn back to god or not, the choice is yours too!!

SORRY

2006-02-09T14:27:00.000+08:00

Sorry to this person that i think i had clearly step over the line of what she is willing to let others know abt her!

she written on her blog that she hates it when suddenly something or someone just disrupt her concentration when she is so deeply engrossed in doing something.

Sometimes i dun meant to disturb her!! but just hope that i can find someone to talk to!! Once again i felt i had hurt another person with my ignorance! Well i dunno if this will be another case that will affect me and my already very brittle emotions.

Today the weather is rainy and gloomy!!
The weather just made my feeling go low all over again!!

Saw Miss K today more then twice! I dunno but the feeling of that friendship we used to have dun seems to be there! As usual she just reply me single word answers! Nothing more and nothing less!!

Suddenly i just felt that i dunno how to communicate with a person anymore! The method that i use to concern for someone just turns out to turn people off!! Time and time again just constantly seems to be stepping into another person restricted zone and the end results, REJECTION, LONLINESS, SADNESS, BACK TO SQUARE ONE!!

i dunno, maybe i shd just block every single one of them...
Not talking to them or maybe i shd just quit msn altogether!!

SADNESS.. ALONE... REJECTED... SIANZ....
Who are my friends? AM i a nuasence to the people around me?
Have i been trying too hard once again to work towards people accepting me as who i am??

The Final question that had been bugging me ever since my turt mission trip.
WHO AM I???
People tell me that you just be yourself and things will just turn out fine. But the sad fact is i dun even know who i am!! What is the real RJ?? Who is RJ??

SADNESS.. LONELINESS... REJECTED... SIANZ-ness....
All over again!!

2nd post within 1 hr.

2006-02-08T23:33:00.000+08:00

Just feeling too affect by her!! suddenly no mood to do anything!
Sianz....
So just throw a posting to vent my sian-ness
maybe i shd just leave her alone, maybe i shd just delete her from my msn instead of just blocking her!! maybe i shd just forget that i had such a friend, maybe that way i'll feel better, maybe that way i wun be affectd by her again, maybe this, maybe that... All this is speculations! Life is tough enuf, am i sinking into temptations that the devil place in my life? or did i overcome this temptation? Am i trying to run away from the truth? that we can never be friends anymore??

Sick feeling (not physically but mentatlly and maybe spiritually!!)
Y am i in this world?
What is my purpose that God wants me to be?
How can i shine the light for him?
When will i learn my lesson and get back to God??
When will i have surrender totally??
When... When.... When.....
Sianz......

The bad feelings i had!

2006-02-08T22:28:00.000+08:00

Recently i had been very very tired.

Tired in serving,
Tired in schooling,
Tired in relationship,
Tired in life!

Just feel sianz, i think i'm working too much!
Depending too much on my own strength, had a bad headache since yesterday night and it still affecting me today morn!! Read an entry on the crusade prayer blog written by Glenn! i had the same feeling of sian.. same feeling of tiredness, same feeling of giving up ministry!!

Shao Hong told me before "Is this ministry mine or HIS??" Had i been too busy serving that i miss the whole point of service? i feel so far away from God!! How can i lead others to christ when i myself is already in super messy state, super dependance on flesh!!

Miss K's msn nick says:"Am i already dead in your heart??" well i was thinking it shd be my nick to talk abt her!! I just wish that i can we can be good friends, the way that we used to be! But it seems impossible, her msn replies are 1 to 3 words replys!! i'm rather sad on that! Haiz.... Janice was teling me to wait and give her time to get this issue blow over! But how long will it take? 1 yr? 2 yrs? Forever?

i dunno dun want to think abt relationship but it just bang me every now and then!! Haiz... life is not normal! Term test coming in 1 week time!!

i guess no time for all these stupid emotions! and to just fix my eyes on Jesus and my sch work!!

Haiz... Haiz... Haiz...

Post CNY feelings

2006-01-31T00:08:00.000+08:00

Happy Chinese new year!
Everyone seems to be in that mood of celebrations!
But I know of at least one person who is feeling sianz over the cny period!

We had a nice chat yesterday and today on msn! That friend was telling me, she dun like cny, where ppl often putting up a smile, meeting people and just telling lies abt themselves, trying to be normal and to just put on the "I’m ok" mask! So fake!

She also had some family issues and personal issues. She was telling me why she is always telling me all the sad stuff in her life! I find that quite true also. Most of the time when we talk is about the sad stuff like family problem, some of her or my personal issues in life (esp. on the issue of relationship with people). hmmz well I think as human, sometimes we just need a someone to complain to abt issues in our life and hope the other person that we are talking to have the same plight as we do or even worst off so that they can empathize and be sad wif us or maybe it will make us feel a bit better!

Cny day 1, digi-cam KO! Ultra Sianess... but ya so be it! It had been cranky for a long time, Finally RIP, a good reason to get a new one although I might still send it for repair. Most of the time of the 3 days holidays is spending in movies, TV, msn and BOOKS! YES BOOKS! What's new?

Ha-ha ok on a brighter side of CNY, had watch a nice movie! FEARLESS staring JET LI. It's quite a nice show! I like the part when JET LI WIN EVERYTHING but yet he lost his family due to that! He is so devastated that he just dun treasure life anymore! Then at the farm when he just being taught abt life. What leave me an impression is, why do we work so hard to try to be the top? What do we want at the end of all these working? It is for more money, is it for more status, is it for more of everything in life? Yet the question is, why do we need so much money for? A better life?

I think many of you had this feeling, this feeling of Sian-ness like what I mentioned above! What I appreciate in the movie is that little moment where jet li keep on stalking in the wheat because he felt that he is losing, he is trying so hard to gain back the lag that he lost! In the end he did gain back the lag that he lost and he did overtake the others who are wheating. But the result: Yes he won in speed but he lost in quality. In the same scene, the rest of the workers took a breather whenever there is a gush of wind, but Jet keep planting and kept going to maintain or shd I say advance his lead!

A simple illustration but a good one! It makes me wonder, 2 points:
1) Often when we are working or studying we had often look at the people around us, we find that we are lagging (in terms of money, status, results, or even studies itself), the common human will say, "Let’s put in more effort and rush a bit!" But it seems like the more we rush the worst the thing get! We might win in then end but at what cost? We wanted more money to get a better life but is it ness that more money = better life?
2) We had been working hard, so hard that we forget to rest! The Chinese saying" To rest is to prepare for a longer road ahead" but often we just forget about resting! Even God rested on the 7th day after his creation for 6 days! How many Sundays have you been doing work, busy preparing for Church service, busy rushing projects and revision? We forget to rest, rest not as explicitly like sleep, but time off to reflect, to just be alone, no music, no TV, no laptop, no sms. Just alone, thinking and enjoying and resting!

Ha-ha many of the stuff that I state seem to be the "ideal" condition but come think of it, it's that what we had been working so hard for. The "better life" that we slog day and nite, week after week, years after year!

Slow down your pace of life, how many times had we been rushing from point A to point B! You might just find tt better life that you had worked so hard for!!

Matthew 16:26
What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

Think abt it!

Blessed to be a blessing

2006-01-25T23:07:00.000+08:00

Hahah I did something crazy again!!
I've signed up for a mission trip to Japan! Dunno why I sign up for such a country but maybe it's for the fun and also a wish of mine to visit Japan!

Come think of it! I find it kind of crazy but ya I've signed up for it! Not to sure How God's leading is! Somehow this time the calling to Japan is not as strong as The ultimate road trip (TURT). It might be a brand new experience for all you know!

Time to pick up some serious Japanese phrase, not those I picked up from anion! Maybe I shd find my Jap friend to teach me Japanese. But it's totally different from Thailand, I'm sure! The people in Thailand is so friendly in contrast to Japanese being so materistic and so realistic society! When I think of it, I'm sort of afraid of the people I meet there. The indifference attitude of these Japanese! Survival in Japan!

Erm there are excited feeling and also scary feelings!! Mixed feelings..

Saw miss k today again! I din talk to her at all. Had a slight moment of eye contact but we did not talk! Still feel the wall between us! So realistic, so cold but maybe it's all my speculation. Maybe she is just busy!! Hahaha it's one of my bad traits. Being judgmental and thinking too much about not related stuff.

ok back to my normal life!!

Happiness is not something you go out looking for, but something given to you freely

2006-01-24T01:10:00.000+08:00

This is a phrase that i thought after what happen today.
And i think this is the main theme and what God wants me to learn thru the ordeal with Miss K! Althought at time i feel God is far, but He always purposefully put people in my life to talk to me, to encourage me, to discipline me, to mould me!

Finally i feel a major load being taken off me. i know both of us are happy and are ok. No more awarkness and no more stupid guess (for the latter is more applicable to me). Well there are a lot of people i want to thank!!

Esp PAT frm forerunner, Wen Xian from my meta band, Sijie and Ching yet from staff nus engin, Thank you for sharing a lot of things with me and keep encouraging me

Glenn(frm nus engin) and Jaime(frm Turt 05) for that listening ear, hwee en (frm meta band) for her kind sharing of her experience and lesson on surrendering.

And to all those who talk to me when i was down to keep my mind away from thinking too much, for eg: Faith Nah & Shi Qing (from my church), Shao wen (frm ntu) and YA!! ESPECAILLY Janice!!(my msn buddy aka talk kok buddy frm nus engin)...

Thank you all so so much!!
Last but not the least!! THANK GOD!!!! My dear LORD JESUS CHRIST for not giving up on me and tying me close to You.
Also thank you miss K for the wild and exciting advanture that she gave me!!
There WERE hurts but all these ARE under God's control!!
Thank you Jesus!!

had a nice weekend!

2006-01-23T09:20:00.000+08:00

hahah my past wkend had been an enjoyable one!

Started on friday, went out to watch memoiors of a gaisha with Faith.
(fyi Faith is one of my church sis). Had a long chat wif her before the movie when we had lunch!! Quite refreshing and enjoyable to just talk to her!!

Then on sat, it's church day!! Started off in nus for a makeup lecture but it's kinda boring coz the thought of coming back to school on sat is just sianz...
After that went to church for bible study but i feel it's more like a sermon then a bible study!! i thought it shd have more interaction and discussions! After the bible study, talk to edward for a while before he sets off to a birthday party!

Sunday: morn went to church, after which went to my secondary school mate's house warming. it's rather special coz her new flat is just 3 blocks away from mine!! Which means she is moving into my neighbourhood!! COOL!! Met up with a few of her secondary school friends (note it's her friends coz we were not from the same class so it's more like her class gathering, but i know a few familar faces lah.) Later at nite do some tutorial and watch some anime...

Life seems slack, but ya sianz..

sometimes i feel i'm just trying to avoid the problems..
i shd be trying to find ppl to lead in crusade and to help out in LM but just too slack. i shd be doing up my system and control's tutorial but i did not! i shd be working and reading the bible on a more regular basis BUT i'm not!!

The fact abt knowing and doing, so similar to my walk with God. To see life change i have to ACT and DO! But maintaining the momentium is the hardest part and taking the 1st step is the next! i shall perserve just like it is written in James 1.

james 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

God IS good

2006-01-19T09:25:00.000+08:00

Praise the Lord for being always so forgiving

i'm forgiven because of God's forsaken!
i want to tahnk God for still holding on to me at my lowest point in life!
I thank you for arragning one of my dear brother wen xian to talk to me yesterday.
He shared to me his experience and also on Hebrews 12

Some key stuff that thru him god ahd showed me:
V1: let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

V2: Let us fix our eyes on Jesus,...
V3: Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

V4:In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. {Which i have not reach that extend but do hav the tot of doing something foolish}

V5-6: And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

V7: Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?

V11: No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

12-13: Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

This is just some of the stuff that was shared to me.
No discipline seems pleasent when you are in it. That phrase strike me the most!
Since i'm a Son of God, then naturally God will discipline me, just like i got discipline by my dad yesterday for not concentrating on my studies.

Well i thank God for not giving me up, he is like what wen xian said, he is in the process of moulding me and concurrently he is also moulding the sister that he had created for me and when the time is ready for us to meet. He'll bring her to me, like how he brought eve to adam!

The fact that when i see miss k, i'll still feel the pain, at times i'll still have problem facing her, but the Waves of emotions seems to be settling down and the time needed for healing is getting shorter. i guess very soon we'll be back to normal terms where this crush feeling will just subside and God will put new challnges in my life once again for 1 purpose.

For his Him to be glorified. No matter what situtation you are in He wants you to surrender to him. To let him reign in your life. To all who are reading this blog. hope you will know him personally and no matter what problems you are facing. Learn to let go, the fact of letting go is not easy but once you allow God to control the situation, He will provide EVERYTHING that you need.

Note it is need not want!

{forgive = forget} OR {forget = forgive}??

2006-01-17T22:02:00.000+08:00

Forgiveness, i think i need.

I need to forgive Miss K for the hurt that was done to me.
In the book "The Secret of loving" from Josh McDowell, he says highlight forgiveness in one of his chapters.

"To forgive is to give up all claims on one who has hurt you and let go the emotional consequence of that hurt."
"To forgive also mean to give up or give away"

Did i really give up on that relationship? Did i really forgive Miss K for the hurt that she is doing in my life? Somehow after reading the chaper, it also state the reason why people cannot forgive!

Insecure: feel insecure with ourself or our relationship with God.
Jealousy: We don't want to forgive someone who has something we think we shd have.
Self Pity: I've been hurt more then anyone, and i can't forgive any more!

For each of this traits noted in the book, i have my own interpretation of it.

1st: because i dun have a healthy relationship with God tt's why i feel insecure abt the relationship that i have wif miss k.

2nd: i do have feelings of jealousy about her. i still have feelings like how come she is not wif me or when i see her with another guy i will feel jealous!

3rd: Self pity might be a tool that i'll be using to get people's attention which i yearn so much for! So much so that i might not want to give up this fail relationship so that i can tell this story again and again so tt people will notice me and talk to me more. But the price is the never ending hurt!

Many times i know what i need to do, but the problem is i'm not doing what i know i must do!! Well the fact tt i'm still affected by this relationship is that i not willing to let go. The emotion of sadness and just wanting to stone and do nothing is just so overwhelm whenever i see her photo or see her in person!

The solution?? To let Jesus be my model.
Josh writes: " ... i can't explain it exactly, but the power of forgive will always come if you let it in!!"
Can i forgive her? Can i forget her? Can we be normal again?
The power is all in my hands! Will i be willing to let go and let God?

picture time

2006-01-16T23:15:00.000+08:00

the fred farewell party... too bad i'm not in it (in lect... boo hoo)

The crusade farewell party for fred

Our visit to MOS

ME, ShiQing and Edward

Faith and her brother

Faith and ShiQing (aka SQ)

Me and Faith

dun think of the white elephant

2006-01-16T22:50:00.000+08:00

Dun think of the white elephant!!
Dun think of the white elephant!!
Dun think of the white elephant!!

Tell me what is on your mind now?

White elephant rite?

haiz... it's the same logic, the harder i try to forget Miss K(read my previous post), the more i will think of her!!

How i wish that things will be back to normal, thou i know it'll never be! Learning to let go, never easy. Everytime i tot i had let go, i get emotional again after 2 days. This feeling comes in wave, 1 wave dies a bit, the next wave of emotional feeling comes again.

According to Sijie(crusade staff), she encourage me to replace this feeling and thought with another. The more i resist the thought, the more the thought will come back to hunt me! There are a lot of things in my mind, to really let go. The only time i will forget abt her, is when i found someone better then her! That is what i feel, unless God can take tt feeling away, but my God dun work that way! So to preserve, to look upwards and not sidewards. To find faithful brother to talk abt my feelings and also to seek advice from more mature christians around me.

haiz... life is sianz all over again!

Visit to ministry of sound

2006-01-15T01:43:00.000+08:00

Wow i also cannot believe that i actually went into a club!
i dun really like the atmostphere there thou, went in to support my fellow church mate for her hall beauty pageant! To cheer her on!

the deco of mos is real cool! but somehow when i see the people dancing and drinking, i feel tt they wanted fun and something is just missing in their life!

i dun enjoy the music but i dun mind the atmosphere! My friend said tt she had a lot of fun when we are on the cab going home! For me i feel tt i'll prefer live worship over all these house music and the techno music!

I give the people who build these clubs a thumbs up, the sound system is top notch, the equipments like the computers and lights are really cool, the deco and renovations of each different theme dance floor also impress me!

the other thing tt shock me is the long long queue and people going to club, people squeeze ppl tt kind of situation! well it's part and parcel of clubbing ba!

to me worship seems more fun and rewarding as there is always a message i can learn from!! ok i think need to sleep le..
maybe i wun visit another club until i start working or if i have nice company to go wif! hahah...

Normal? What is normal?

2006-01-12T23:54:00.000+08:00

I had a short msn conversation with the girl that reject me (for convenience sake I shall call her Miss K).

I sort of met Miss K on Tuesday to get the corrinne may concert tickets. Then before that she was doing shopping with another guy. Then just now, she tell me that I looked stern that day! Well after so much had happen I just tell her the truth.

RJ:" The reason that I was stern is because I try hard not to like you and to let go of you but it had been hard. That day I saw you with this guy, I get jealous. Maybe that's why I look stern!"

I can't believe that is what I told her! But she reacted normally and cool.
She says that she understand, but somehow I wish we can get back to normal again, I wish that God will be there to for me, to take away that loneliness feeling, that feeling that I want to love her. I feel that I had plunge in too much hence it is so hard to let go.

想放手却不甘心放手
I wish i can let go but i'm just just not willing to let goI i feel sour over it! God how come to surrender is So So hard!! I really wish we can get back to normal once again, all the chatting and sharing openly. So how after this incident i feel that there is an unseen wall built between us.

Am i depending too much on myself to try to not like her?
There are just too much that i'm going thru i dunno, i'm tired.
Today when walking around the shop around at Sim Lim
but the feeling is totally differentI i know i need to surrender!
Surrender tt feeling, but it just dun go away i gotten better once i fill myself with food or get a lot of work on myself. So tt i will take tt off my mind
But for a little while it's away, after tt i just come back, so real and so cruel!

I'm an emotional guy Why can'I i just be suave and let go?
I dunno... i'm lost... i'm confused...
God help me!!

Sion Youth transformed

2006-01-10T22:23:00.000+08:00

God is moving!
Somehow after the retreat i feel tt we are closer.
We are willing to trash things out.
We hope to have more personal and meaningful sharing. To open up and to share to one another about our personal life. To say sorry about the little stuff within our lifes that we misunderstood about each other, the very thing that satan used to attack us!

Somehow the theories tt i learn during meta on how the devil attacks us just float to my mind. He will create lies and mix wif a little truth then we will take it as the truth! He likes to attack us in the place tt he knows is our weakest.

For the past few months, the topic of identity and relationship seems to be amplfied in my life. To sort out that i need to be true to myself, i need to be open and ready to accept me as me!

1st day of school

2006-01-09T10:16:00.000+08:00

Wow time flies, time to start school all over again!

Feeling a bit sad, tired and bored.
Faith told me tt she also dun have the studying mood although she told me before that her modules dis sem are more interesting and looking forward to start the sem. After all that Shiqing had tried to talk to me abt, i think i shd be more motivated to start the sem. Just do my best lah, leave the results to God.

Yesterday i was at my poly classmate wedding dinner. Mind you he is the same age as me, and now he is married, owns a car, owns his own HDB flat while i'm still in nus, mugging away! Met a few old ploy friends tt i din see for a long time.

i think i'm thinking too much as in relationships, rite now i shd be concentrating on getting my studies rite no track!! At least i wun feel like i let my parents down!

The next few week is going to be packed wif fun and my first time!
1st time going into a club dis coming sat, will be going to ministry of sound(MOS) to support my sister in christ for her hall beauty pageant thingy! It's going to be a nite of loud music and erm looking at how ppl party! hahaha i dunno most likely it'll be a new experience for me!

And i'll be going to the Corrinne May concert on feb 12. Going wif my friends in nus engin crusade, ppl like huiling, kimmy and sharon! Shd be fun!

After the gathering of the engin crusaders

2006-01-08T00:06:00.000+08:00

haha just came back from the engin crusade gathering!
We should hold more of such outings! It's fun.
Thanks Sharon for opening your house for such events!!

Well let's talk abt yesterday nite!
Suddenly i felt stress over the new semester! Maybe my grade last sem is still hunting me! So much so that i feel tt i need to talk to someone over this matter, to motivate me for the new sem!

i talk to one of my church sister, ShiQing aka SQ. She had just finished her JC and wiating for A level's results so she can further her studies overseas! She had been one of my newlly found msn khaki(the way she like khaki to be spelt). Although she is young, she is the person that God put to talk to me! She tell me not to give up and work harder for the next sem coz for my modules last sem, i just totally dun not what is happening! even at times i tried to revise what was taught, i cannot understand what is the theory! So i just wanted to give up.

My caps now stand at 3.19 and there is little or no chance for me to get to 2nd lower at all coz it is too far to improve within 3 sem! But ya i know i shd just do my best and leave all these comparing behind me, but tt is me lah, always compraing things. I hope tt God will change that part of me which i know will stumble me time and time again!

Haha in the end, we conculded that it's still the attitude behind the work that matters the most. No matter what grade we get, it's just the worldly standard of benchmarking us! If we truely felt that we have put in our best, the results might seems bad but we know that there is nothing more we can do as we have done our best!

Thank You janice (another sister from my CG during meta), Thank you SQ
Lastly THANK YOU GOD!! It's a blessing to know that even we screw things up, he is there to help us to clear the mess tt we are in, times and times again!
He is there, just tt are you willing to SURRENDER to him!

i'm in nus le!!

2006-01-06T11:45:00.000+08:00

hahah sch going to start soon!
hope dis sem will be better then last sem.

Too many unhappy events happen last sem, the Hell month, the poor results, the rejected relationship! So many, so many..

Was taking to her yesterday, ya tt girl tt reject me, it seems like she is also having some problems with God! According to what she tells me, she also dunno what happen to her but she felt tt Satan is drawing away from God! i'll pray for her but i hope it won't make me love her all over again! i wanted to take things easy!

Esp i know with so much service, in church, in school and also school work. i dun think i have time for a relationship yet. Ya not yet!

i think just wait lah. I know God will arrange the best fo me!! If i'm willing to wait! God never fails!!

kinda boring life, once again

2006-01-04T10:43:00.000+08:00

These few days are quite slack, no exciting stuff going on.

Sometimes i still feel like i miss her, ya tt girl.
But i thank God that at least we are talking normally le
anyway here are the present tt i get for christmas

These presents are from faith, my dear sister in christ from Sion

This is from Kimmy, a bit late but better then never! All the way from Japan

this is from Qian Yi

this is from Stacie

this is from Yijun, my dear xiao mei!! all the way from Hong Kong

still have 2 more present, one is a T-shirt from Miss Ng.

The other is the best! a $100 cash ang pow from my elder in my church! the feeling of getting ang pow in christmas is weird. but i think it's like a provision for my meta Camp that God provided!

Thanks to God for all that he had blessed me this christmas!

After all the hype, life back to normal

2006-01-03T01:28:00.000+08:00

Yah sch term starting soon, 1 more week to sch reopens!
excited and a bit scared. Due to the that I get last sem, it pulled me down so much tt I had fear in studies. In juggling crusade, studies and church..

How to strike that balance that my elder Nah says!
"In current times, everybody wants and needs stuff. But we must know what is important and what we want! So priorities the stuff tt you need!"

Ha so am i suppose to give my service to God in exchange to work harder for the more important thing which is to get my studies rite! Somehow I feel that saving souls which last for eternal is more impt but I can't say that getting better grades is not impt! Contradiction...

Seeking the Lord, somehow the ans is out!
2 Cor 3:
V5-6
>> Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant..
V18
>> And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

anything, any service, I think we need to depend on the Lord, surrender the results to Christ and allowing the holy spirit to work. But of coz on our part we do have to work hard for it, but the important thing here is tt you need not work HARD trying to please Christ or to gain certain things of your own interest. But to do all these because you love God as the main focus.

Love compels us to do things for God,
Witnessing, sharing the word, talking to non-Christian friend, studying for exams; bearing fruits of the spirit in the process of all these daily things.

important thing to Love God!!

Decisions made during meta

2005-12-30T19:48:00.000+08:00

These are some things that i promise God that i'll do.

Not depending on my own strength but allow him to take control!
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you
(1 Peter 5:7)

To surrender all, allow God to take Lordship.
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast.
(Eph 2:8-9)

To allow Him to lead me to the girl that He arranged for me.
Teach me to wait upon the Lord divine timing!
Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
(Gen 2:22)

Metamorphosis (changing lives)

2005-12-29T01:28:00.000+08:00

Wow i really know meta is the place where students meet God,
many lives have change (including myself), many get healing from God
disordered christians get back to God and reconnect with the source tt we tot was so far and we might never reach Him.

Frankly, i never tot that God can be so personal, so intimate and so close to a person. i dunno that God can make a person life's changed so much tt he is now so happy and bubbly and alive in Christ for he had totally surrender to God!

I am the God that healeth Thee
I am the Lord your healer
i sent my word to heal your dieases
I am the Lord your healer

Jesus just wanna love you, He wanna you to be close to Him and to praise his name all the days of our lives!

Surrender is the lesson

2005-12-26T22:46:00.000+08:00

After the 1st day of meta, i found out that surrender is the leasson that the Lord wants me to learn thru these ordeals!

How do i surrender totally, and not to hold on the things tt seems so dear to me.

Results, status, relationships, ministry, everything..

but Total surrenderance is not an easy lesson to learn, often it t's something very hard to grapple wif. As much as i know i need to surrender, i also grip on and wanted to control things tt are dear to me.

Always trying hard to please the girl, not listening or being sensitive to the holy spirit. Trying to be "ga kiang" . But i know i need to let go and let God! It's never easy but i know somehow God will help me!

There is also things like results, i held too frim in wanting to get a better degree, but in the end i failed very badly dis sem. My cap score dipped so much i dunno how to savage the problem. now i'm only wif a pass grade.

Something tt my friend once told me, tt i always compare things, compare other ppl wif myself, i need to get out of such a thing and to just thank God for what he has created me to be! Super affected abt how ppl will judge me, how will they see me as.
But ultimately all these are not important! God dun see all these, he wants my heart.

one of the speakers today said, "People nowadays are heavily depending on their feelings, their emotions but they forget that the most important thing is still to get back to God. Back to his words..."

I know God is changing me, emotionally and in my mind! how can i totally surrender i dunno, but i feel tt God will tell me how to thru this camp!

Things are getting better

2005-12-26T00:47:00.000+08:00

Finally "One Way" musical finally finished!!

After so many months of practice and rehersals finally it's over
Life is getting back to normal, i guess.

After what pat shared to me abt his past releationship, i finally felt tt what i had been feeling is so stupid and not worth it. God had not given up on me.
Even when i feel down, i feel sad, i feel like dying! but he had never give up on me!!

I'm going to take pictures of the presents i recieved this sem! going to post it online soon. going for a meta camp 2mr! so may not have that much time to write here.

there is a friend of mine just felt stress abt telling her parents abt her results as she can't make it for her honours year in her studies. then just now she msg me if she is a failure, it made me worry for her!

Why do we always think abt how others view us?
Sometimes i feel my attire can be better for concert or maybe going out for dates. but somehow i know i have my restrictions! I wanted to get some nice clothes then look better! Maybe that way i'll have more attention from girls!HahaX
But back to my point, what do we want others to see us as, and if we think we can't attain what we think, will we try to act and try to look strong?

i dunno but i think maybe i will.. talk abt this more the next time.

within a short time i feel like dying again

2005-12-21T20:06:00.000+08:00

why so many thing happen to me all within the month?

What happen to me?
i did badly for my module dis sem!
Got D, C, C, B-, B+

And from near 2nd lower i drop to only a pass
i dun even stay in 3rd class!
Why all these happen?

Was it tt i was affected by her?
Did i really do my best in revising the papers?
How come things turn out so badly!

Was rejected, Did badly for my exams!
In 1 month, i have 2 major blow! it makes me think why so?
Did i do something wrong by being a SM?
Did i lost focus when i fell in love with her too much?
It affected me so much! SO VERY MUCH!
i can't pick up myself anymore
i dunno
i feel like killing myself! i think of life is not worth liveing anymore!
i know i should not feel this way, but i just have this feeling.
i felt so sianz, so lost, so lonely.
a lot of feelings but no one to talk to, no one to pour out all these feelings

my parents also dun understand what i says,
shd i stop my service wif crusade?
shd i be more focused on my studies and not on girls, on life?
just be a mugger for the rest of the sem
do every tutorial faithfully and try to understand all tt i suppose to and leave crusade?

as much as i wanted to make an impact on ppl's life, i feel weak, i feel i cannot
i just feel sianz, where is the abundant life that the bible talk abt?
God where are you? what's your plan for letting this to happen?
again and again, i face troubles!

i'm emotional! very emotional

To kick things off, my posting

2005-12-21T16:27:00.000+08:00

well there are a lot of things in me heart esp dis month.
Somehow i still miss her. my heart just tells me tt whenever i'm alone my emotional feelings of missing her and wanting to see her just come and flood my mind

the feeling of why i can be wif her again also comes to my mind!
Why is it so hard to forget someone tt you like?
Why is it tt after all tt she had told me and trying to make things clear that i dun have a chance le but yet i still feel tt i wanted a 2nd chance to woo her again!
How come i still miss her knowing tt all shd be over!

What is God teaching me in this ordeal?
How can i be a better man before i meet the next girl tt God arrange in my life?
Will i get hurt again?
Dear God i know i shd not think tt way but somehow i know tt it's not possible for now! The song "Pu tong peng you" from david Tao seems so real.

When she says tt i only want to be your friend, just a NORAML friend
but deep inside i know i can't only be your friend and for now i cannot take back my love for you!
Feel tt i'm lousy, i'm not attractive to girls, (which is proven to be true from my past ordeals).

Haiz

After sometime i think i fianlly started my own blog

2005-12-21T16:25:00.000+08:00

i dunno why i start this, maybe like the past on i had,
just a channel for me to say things out in my heart.

i think i'll only give this to a few close friends and not everyone coz some of the thing i going to write here might get really personal!

So.. keep posted