Post CNY feelings

Happy Chinese new year!
Everyone seems to be in that mood of celebrations!
But I know of at least one person who is feeling sianz over the cny period!

We had a nice chat yesterday and today on msn! That friend was telling me, she dun like cny, where ppl often putting up a smile, meeting people and just telling lies abt themselves, trying to be normal and to just put on the "I’m ok" mask! So fake!

She also had some family issues and personal issues. She was telling me why she is always telling me all the sad stuff in her life! I find that quite true also. Most of the time when we talk is about the sad stuff like family problem, some of her or my personal issues in life (esp. on the issue of relationship with people). hmmz well I think as human, sometimes we just need a someone to complain to abt issues in our life and hope the other person that we are talking to have the same plight as we do or even worst off so that they can empathize and be sad wif us or maybe it will make us feel a bit better!

Cny day 1, digi-cam KO! Ultra Sianess... but ya so be it! It had been cranky for a long time, Finally RIP, a good reason to get a new one although I might still send it for repair. Most of the time of the 3 days holidays is spending in movies, TV, msn and BOOKS! YES BOOKS! What's new?

Ha-ha ok on a brighter side of CNY, had watch a nice movie! FEARLESS staring JET LI. It's quite a nice show! I like the part when JET LI WIN EVERYTHING but yet he lost his family due to that! He is so devastated that he just dun treasure life anymore! Then at the farm when he just being taught abt life. What leave me an impression is, why do we work so hard to try to be the top? What do we want at the end of all these working? It is for more money, is it for more status, is it for more of everything in life? Yet the question is, why do we need so much money for? A better life?

I think many of you had this feeling, this feeling of Sian-ness like what I mentioned above! What I appreciate in the movie is that little moment where jet li keep on stalking in the wheat because he felt that he is losing, he is trying so hard to gain back the lag that he lost! In the end he did gain back the lag that he lost and he did overtake the others who are wheating. But the result: Yes he won in speed but he lost in quality. In the same scene, the rest of the workers took a breather whenever there is a gush of wind, but Jet keep planting and kept going to maintain or shd I say advance his lead!

A simple illustration but a good one! It makes me wonder, 2 points:
1) Often when we are working or studying we had often look at the people around us, we find that we are lagging (in terms of money, status, results, or even studies itself), the common human will say, "Let’s put in more effort and rush a bit!" But it seems like the more we rush the worst the thing get! We might win in then end but at what cost? We wanted more money to get a better life but is it ness that more money = better life?
2) We had been working hard, so hard that we forget to rest! The Chinese saying" To rest is to prepare for a longer road ahead" but often we just forget about resting! Even God rested on the 7th day after his creation for 6 days! How many Sundays have you been doing work, busy preparing for Church service, busy rushing projects and revision? We forget to rest, rest not as explicitly like sleep, but time off to reflect, to just be alone, no music, no TV, no laptop, no sms. Just alone, thinking and enjoying and resting!

Ha-ha many of the stuff that I state seem to be the "ideal" condition but come think of it, it's that what we had been working so hard for. The "better life" that we slog day and nite, week after week, years after year!

Slow down your pace of life, how many times had we been rushing from point A to point B! You might just find tt better life that you had worked so hard for!!

Matthew 16:26
What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

Think abt it!

Blessed to be a blessing

Hahah I did something crazy again!!
I've signed up for a mission trip to Japan! Dunno why I sign up for such a country but maybe it's for the fun and also a wish of mine to visit Japan!

Come think of it! I find it kind of crazy but ya I've signed up for it! Not to sure How God's leading is! Somehow this time the calling to Japan is not as strong as The ultimate road trip (TURT). It might be a brand new experience for all you know!

Time to pick up some serious Japanese phrase, not those I picked up from anion! Maybe I shd find my Jap friend to teach me Japanese. But it's totally different from Thailand, I'm sure! The people in Thailand is so friendly in contrast to Japanese being so materistic and so realistic society! When I think of it, I'm sort of afraid of the people I meet there. The indifference attitude of these Japanese! Survival in Japan!

Erm there are excited feeling and also scary feelings!! Mixed feelings..

Saw miss k today again! I din talk to her at all. Had a slight moment of eye contact but we did not talk! Still feel the wall between us! So realistic, so cold but maybe it's all my speculation. Maybe she is just busy!! Hahaha it's one of my bad traits. Being judgmental and thinking too much about not related stuff.

ok back to my normal life!!

Happiness is not something you go out looking for, but something given to you freely

This is a phrase that i thought after what happen today.
And i think this is the main theme and what God wants me to learn thru the ordeal with Miss K! Althought at time i feel God is far, but He always purposefully put people in my life to talk to me, to encourage me, to discipline me, to mould me!

Finally i feel a major load being taken off me. i know both of us are happy and are ok. No more awarkness and no more stupid guess (for the latter is more applicable to me). Well there are a lot of people i want to thank!!

Esp PAT frm forerunner, Wen Xian from my meta band, Sijie and Ching yet from staff nus engin, Thank you for sharing a lot of things with me and keep encouraging me

Glenn(frm nus engin) and Jaime(frm Turt 05) for that listening ear, hwee en (frm meta band) for her kind sharing of her experience and lesson on surrendering.

And to all those who talk to me when i was down to keep my mind away from thinking too much, for eg: Faith Nah & Shi Qing (from my church), Shao wen (frm ntu) and YA!! ESPECAILLY Janice!!(my msn buddy aka talk kok buddy frm nus engin)...

Thank you all so so much!!
Last but not the least!! THANK GOD!!!! My dear LORD JESUS CHRIST for not giving up on me and tying me close to You.
Also thank you miss K for the wild and exciting advanture that she gave me!!
There WERE hurts but all these ARE under God's control!!
Thank you Jesus!!

had a nice weekend!

hahah my past wkend had been an enjoyable one!

Started on friday, went out to watch memoiors of a gaisha with Faith.
(fyi Faith is one of my church sis). Had a long chat wif her before the movie when we had lunch!! Quite refreshing and enjoyable to just talk to her!!

Then on sat, it's church day!! Started off in nus for a makeup lecture but it's kinda boring coz the thought of coming back to school on sat is just sianz...
After that went to church for bible study but i feel it's more like a sermon then a bible study!! i thought it shd have more interaction and discussions! After the bible study, talk to edward for a while before he sets off to a birthday party!

Sunday: morn went to church, after which went to my secondary school mate's house warming. it's rather special coz her new flat is just 3 blocks away from mine!! Which means she is moving into my neighbourhood!! COOL!! Met up with a few of her secondary school friends (note it's her friends coz we were not from the same class so it's more like her class gathering, but i know a few familar faces lah.) Later at nite do some tutorial and watch some anime...

Life seems slack, but ya sianz..

sometimes i feel i'm just trying to avoid the problems..
i shd be trying to find ppl to lead in crusade and to help out in LM but just too slack. i shd be doing up my system and control's tutorial but i did not! i shd be working and reading the bible on a more regular basis BUT i'm not!!

The fact abt knowing and doing, so similar to my walk with God. To see life change i have to ACT and DO! But maintaining the momentium is the hardest part and taking the 1st step is the next! i shall perserve just like it is written in James 1.

james 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

God IS good

Praise the Lord for being always so forgiving

i'm forgiven because of God's forsaken!
i want to tahnk God for still holding on to me at my lowest point in life!
I thank you for arragning one of my dear brother wen xian to talk to me yesterday.
He shared to me his experience and also on Hebrews 12

Some key stuff that thru him god ahd showed me:
V1: let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

V2: Let us fix our eyes on Jesus,...
V3: Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

V4:In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. {Which i have not reach that extend but do hav the tot of doing something foolish}

V5-6: And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

V7: Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?

V11: No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

12-13: Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

This is just some of the stuff that was shared to me.
No discipline seems pleasent when you are in it. That phrase strike me the most!
Since i'm a Son of God, then naturally God will discipline me, just like i got discipline by my dad yesterday for not concentrating on my studies.

Well i thank God for not giving me up, he is like what wen xian said, he is in the process of moulding me and concurrently he is also moulding the sister that he had created for me and when the time is ready for us to meet. He'll bring her to me, like how he brought eve to adam!

The fact that when i see miss k, i'll still feel the pain, at times i'll still have problem facing her, but the Waves of emotions seems to be settling down and the time needed for healing is getting shorter. i guess very soon we'll be back to normal terms where this crush feeling will just subside and God will put new challnges in my life once again for 1 purpose.

For his Him to be glorified. No matter what situtation you are in He wants you to surrender to him. To let him reign in your life. To all who are reading this blog. hope you will know him personally and no matter what problems you are facing. Learn to let go, the fact of letting go is not easy but once you allow God to control the situation, He will provide EVERYTHING that you need.

Note it is need not want!

{forgive = forget} OR {forget = forgive}??

Forgiveness, i think i need.

I need to forgive Miss K for the hurt that was done to me.
In the book "The Secret of loving" from Josh McDowell, he says highlight forgiveness in one of his chapters.

"To forgive is to give up all claims on one who has hurt you and let go the emotional consequence of that hurt."
"To forgive also mean to give up or give away"

Did i really give up on that relationship? Did i really forgive Miss K for the hurt that she is doing in my life? Somehow after reading the chaper, it also state the reason why people cannot forgive!

Insecure: feel insecure with ourself or our relationship with God.
Jealousy: We don't want to forgive someone who has something we think we shd have.
Self Pity: I've been hurt more then anyone, and i can't forgive any more!

For each of this traits noted in the book, i have my own interpretation of it.

1st: because i dun have a healthy relationship with God tt's why i feel insecure abt the relationship that i have wif miss k.

2nd: i do have feelings of jealousy about her. i still have feelings like how come she is not wif me or when i see her with another guy i will feel jealous!

3rd: Self pity might be a tool that i'll be using to get people's attention which i yearn so much for! So much so that i might not want to give up this fail relationship so that i can tell this story again and again so tt people will notice me and talk to me more. But the price is the never ending hurt!

Many times i know what i need to do, but the problem is i'm not doing what i know i must do!! Well the fact tt i'm still affected by this relationship is that i not willing to let go. The emotion of sadness and just wanting to stone and do nothing is just so overwhelm whenever i see her photo or see her in person!

The solution?? To let Jesus be my model.
Josh writes: " ... i can't explain it exactly, but the power of forgive will always come if you let it in!!"
Can i forgive her? Can i forget her? Can we be normal again?
The power is all in my hands! Will i be willing to let go and let God?

picture time

the fred farewell party... too bad i'm not in it (in lect... boo hoo)




The crusade farewell party for fred

Our visit to MOS

ME, ShiQing and Edward


Faith and her brother


Faith and ShiQing (aka SQ)


Me and Faith

dun think of the white elephant

Dun think of the white elephant!!
Dun think of the white elephant!!
Dun think of the white elephant!!


Tell me what is on your mind now?

White elephant rite?

haiz... it's the same logic, the harder i try to forget Miss K(read my previous post), the more i will think of her!!

How i wish that things will be back to normal, thou i know it'll never be! Learning to let go, never easy. Everytime i tot i had let go, i get emotional again after 2 days. This feeling comes in wave, 1 wave dies a bit, the next wave of emotional feeling comes again.

According to Sijie(crusade staff), she encourage me to replace this feeling and thought with another. The more i resist the thought, the more the thought will come back to hunt me! There are a lot of things in my mind, to really let go. The only time i will forget abt her, is when i found someone better then her! That is what i feel, unless God can take tt feeling away, but my God dun work that way! So to preserve, to look upwards and not sidewards. To find faithful brother to talk abt my feelings and also to seek advice from more mature christians around me.

haiz... life is sianz all over again!

Visit to ministry of sound

Wow i also cannot believe that i actually went into a club!
i dun really like the atmostphere there thou, went in to support my fellow church mate for her hall beauty pageant! To cheer her on!

the deco of mos is real cool! but somehow when i see the people dancing and drinking, i feel tt they wanted fun and something is just missing in their life!

i dun enjoy the music but i dun mind the atmosphere! My friend said tt she had a lot of fun when we are on the cab going home! For me i feel tt i'll prefer live worship over all these house music and the techno music!

I give the people who build these clubs a thumbs up, the sound system is top notch, the equipments like the computers and lights are really cool, the deco and renovations of each different theme dance floor also impress me!

the other thing tt shock me is the long long queue and people going to club, people squeeze ppl tt kind of situation! well it's part and parcel of clubbing ba!

to me worship seems more fun and rewarding as there is always a message i can learn from!! ok i think need to sleep le..
maybe i wun visit another club until i start working or if i have nice company to go wif! hahah...

Normal? What is normal?

I had a short msn conversation with the girl that reject me (for convenience sake I shall call her Miss K).

I sort of met Miss K on Tuesday to get the corrinne may concert tickets. Then before that she was doing shopping with another guy. Then just now, she tell me that I looked stern that day! Well after so much had happen I just tell her the truth.

RJ:" The reason that I was stern is because I try hard not to like you and to let go of you but it had been hard. That day I saw you with this guy, I get jealous. Maybe that's why I look stern!"

I can't believe that is what I told her! But she reacted normally and cool.
She says that she understand, but somehow I wish we can get back to normal again, I wish that God will be there to for me, to take away that loneliness feeling, that feeling that I want to love her. I feel that I had plunge in too much hence it is so hard to let go.

想放手却不甘心放手
I wish i can let go but i'm just just not willing to let goI i feel sour over it! God how come to surrender is So So hard!! I really wish we can get back to normal once again, all the chatting and sharing openly. So how after this incident i feel that there is an unseen wall built between us.

Am i depending too much on myself to try to not like her?
There are just too much that i'm going thru i dunno, i'm tired.
Today when walking around the shop around at Sim Lim
but the feeling is totally differentI i know i need to surrender!
Surrender tt feeling, but it just dun go away i gotten better once i fill myself with food or get a lot of work on myself. So tt i will take tt off my mind
But for a little while it's away, after tt i just come back, so real and so cruel!

I'm an emotional guy Why can'I i just be suave and let go?
I dunno... i'm lost... i'm confused...
God help me!!

Sion Youth transformed

God is moving!
Somehow after the retreat i feel tt we are closer.
We are willing to trash things out.
We hope to have more personal and meaningful sharing. To open up and to share to one another about our personal life. To say sorry about the little stuff within our lifes that we misunderstood about each other, the very thing that satan used to attack us!

Somehow the theories tt i learn during meta on how the devil attacks us just float to my mind. He will create lies and mix wif a little truth then we will take it as the truth! He likes to attack us in the place tt he knows is our weakest.

For the past few months, the topic of identity and relationship seems to be amplfied in my life. To sort out that i need to be true to myself, i need to be open and ready to accept me as me!

1st day of school

Wow time flies, time to start school all over again!

Feeling a bit sad, tired and bored.
Faith told me tt she also dun have the studying mood although she told me before that her modules dis sem are more interesting and looking forward to start the sem. After all that Shiqing had tried to talk to me abt, i think i shd be more motivated to start the sem. Just do my best lah, leave the results to God.

Yesterday i was at my poly classmate wedding dinner. Mind you he is the same age as me, and now he is married, owns a car, owns his own HDB flat while i'm still in nus, mugging away! Met a few old ploy friends tt i din see for a long time.

i think i'm thinking too much as in relationships, rite now i shd be concentrating on getting my studies rite no track!! At least i wun feel like i let my parents down!

The next few week is going to be packed wif fun and my first time!
1st time going into a club dis coming sat, will be going to ministry of sound(MOS) to support my sister in christ for her hall beauty pageant thingy! It's going to be a nite of loud music and erm looking at how ppl party! hahaha i dunno most likely it'll be a new experience for me!

And i'll be going to the Corrinne May concert on feb 12. Going wif my friends in nus engin crusade, ppl like huiling, kimmy and sharon! Shd be fun!

After the gathering of the engin crusaders

haha just came back from the engin crusade gathering!
We should hold more of such outings! It's fun.
Thanks Sharon for opening your house for such events!!

Well let's talk abt yesterday nite!
Suddenly i felt stress over the new semester! Maybe my grade last sem is still hunting me! So much so that i feel tt i need to talk to someone over this matter, to motivate me for the new sem!

i talk to one of my church sister, ShiQing aka SQ. She had just finished her JC and wiating for A level's results so she can further her studies overseas! She had been one of my newlly found msn khaki(the way she like khaki to be spelt). Although she is young, she is the person that God put to talk to me! She tell me not to give up and work harder for the next sem coz for my modules last sem, i just totally dun not what is happening! even at times i tried to revise what was taught, i cannot understand what is the theory! So i just wanted to give up.

My caps now stand at 3.19 and there is little or no chance for me to get to 2nd lower at all coz it is too far to improve within 3 sem! But ya i know i shd just do my best and leave all these comparing behind me, but tt is me lah, always compraing things. I hope tt God will change that part of me which i know will stumble me time and time again!

Haha in the end, we conculded that it's still the attitude behind the work that matters the most. No matter what grade we get, it's just the worldly standard of benchmarking us! If we truely felt that we have put in our best, the results might seems bad but we know that there is nothing more we can do as we have done our best!

Thank You janice (another sister from my CG during meta), Thank you SQ
Lastly THANK YOU GOD!! It's a blessing to know that even we screw things up, he is there to help us to clear the mess tt we are in, times and times again!
He is there, just tt are you willing to SURRENDER to him!

i'm in nus le!!

hahah sch going to start soon!
hope dis sem will be better then last sem.

Too many unhappy events happen last sem, the Hell month, the poor results, the rejected relationship! So many, so many..


Was taking to her yesterday, ya tt girl tt reject me, it seems like she is also having some problems with God! According to what she tells me, she also dunno what happen to her but she felt tt Satan is drawing away from God! i'll pray for her but i hope it won't make me love her all over again! i wanted to take things easy!

Esp i know with so much service, in church, in school and also school work. i dun think i have time for a relationship yet. Ya not yet!

i think just wait lah. I know God will arrange the best fo me!! If i'm willing to wait! God never fails!!

kinda boring life, once again

These few days are quite slack, no exciting stuff going on.

Sometimes i still feel like i miss her, ya tt girl.
But i thank God that at least we are talking normally le
anyway here are the present tt i get for christmas




These presents are from faith, my dear sister in christ from Sion



This is from Kimmy, a bit late but better then never! All the way from Japan


this is from Qian Yi



this is from Stacie


this is from Yijun, my dear xiao mei!! all the way from Hong Kong

still have 2 more present, one is a T-shirt from Miss Ng.

The other is the best! a $100 cash ang pow from my elder in my church! the feeling of getting ang pow in christmas is weird. but i think it's like a provision for my meta Camp that God provided!

Thanks to God for all that he had blessed me this christmas!

After all the hype, life back to normal

Yah sch term starting soon, 1 more week to sch reopens!
excited and a bit scared. Due to the that I get last sem, it pulled me down so much tt I had fear in studies. In juggling crusade, studies and church..

How to strike that balance that my elder Nah says!
"In current times, everybody wants and needs stuff. But we must know what is important and what we want! So priorities the stuff tt you need!"

Ha so am i suppose to give my service to God in exchange to work harder for the more important thing which is to get my studies rite! Somehow I feel that saving souls which last for eternal is more impt but I can't say that getting better grades is not impt! Contradiction...

Seeking the Lord, somehow the ans is out!
2 Cor 3:
V5-6
>> Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant..
V18
>> And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

anything, any service, I think we need to depend on the Lord, surrender the results to Christ and allowing the holy spirit to work. But of coz on our part we do have to work hard for it, but the important thing here is tt you need not work HARD trying to please Christ or to gain certain things of your own interest. But to do all these because you love God as the main focus.

Love compels us to do things for God,
Witnessing, sharing the word, talking to non-Christian friend, studying for exams; bearing fruits of the spirit in the process of all these daily things.

important thing to Love God!!